A Conversation
by MacsLady
Summary: This is a post ep fic for the s7 episode 'Identity Crisis'. After the events of 'Identity Crisis', Ellie is acting out, and Jo doesn't know how to get to her to open up about what's going on. Jo turns to Mac, who turns out to have a particularly personal insight into what might be going on with Ellie. Includes references to 'The Thing About Heroes' from s4.


**A Conversation.**

**Disclaimer: All CSI:NY characters belong to the writers.**

**Note: This fic takes place shortly after the events of 'Identity Crisis'. It can be read as a kind of prequel to my fic 'Trust' (as it adds a kind of background for Mac and Ellie in that fic) or on it's own.**

Mac was plowing through a seemingly endless list of especially dull paperwork when Jo tapped on his door.

He looked up, and grateful for any distraction, beckoned her in.

It was shortly after 9pm, and the rest of the team had gone home for the night, leaving only a few lab techs and cleaners around.

Jo placed two cups of coffee on the table.

'You're here late,' Mac said.

Jo nodded.

'Paperwork. Looks like you have the same problem, only worse.'

Mac nodded, sipped his coffee.

'What else is bothering you, Jo?'

'What makes you think something's bothering me?'

'Well, you've called home to check on Ellie about five times just this evening, and I wasn't eavesdropping, but from bits I heard, all your conversations seemed pretty fraught. And you've seemed a little distracted. And you snapped at Danny earlier. Granted, he was being particularly whiny and annoying today, but still, you're usually quite patient with him.'

Jo shook her head.

'You don't miss anything, do you, Mac?' she said with a wry smile.

Mac just waited.

Jo sighed heavily, and leaned forward on the desk, running a hand through her hair.

'It's Ellie. These last few weeks, she's been acting out at school. Skipping classes, answering back to her teachers, more than usual, I mean. She got into a fight with some boy and broke his nose. And then just on Tuesday, she gets caught smoking, of all things, behind the gym. Smoking, Mac! She *knows* how stupid that is. She said it was just a one off thing, but it's so unlike her to do something like that. Needless to say, she's been grounded every night since then. No phone calls or Internet chats with her friends, either.'

'How's she been with you?' Mac asked, sipping his coffee.

Jo rolled her eyes.

'She barely talks to me right now, Mac. I don't know whether she's pissed off at me since I told her the truth about her mother and her adoption, or whether she's just being a typical teenager, or whether all of this is some kind of reaction to what happened at the subway station, I mean, she saw a person get murdered, that has to have an effect, but she won't talk to me about it. If I try to bring it up she just screams at me to 'stop talking about it' and storms off. I don't know what to do with her, Mac,'

'Jo, you're a wonderful mother, and Ellie loves you. I think you're probably right when you say you think her acting out is down to her seeing that murder.'

'But why won't she talk to me about it, Mac?'

Mac sighed, and rubbed his forehead.

'There are some things in life that we can't talk to our parents about, Jo. However much we may want to, and need their help, however much they might want to help us.'

Jo caught something in Mac's voice. He sounded like he was talking from experience, and not just repeating a notion.

'You're right, Mac. But who can she talk to? Tyler and Russ have both tried, and nothing. Should I look into getting her some kind of counseling? I don't think she'd go for it, but...'

'Let me talk to her,' Mac said, 'I'll tell you the details myself one day, but when I was around Ellie's age, I was involved in something similar. I witnessed...' Mac paused. Even now, he didn't like talking about what had happened to Will. He could certainly understand Ellie's reticence. 'I witnessed a murder,' he said, 'And I never really talked about it to my folks either.'

'Mac...I'm so sorry,' Jo said, gently.

'It happened,' Mac said shortly. 'There's nothing I can do about it now. But I'd like to try to help Ellie, if it's okay with both of you.'

'Are you sure?'

Mac nodded.

Jo got up and came around the desk, leaned down and hugged Mac. He patted her back.

'Thank you, Mac. Why don't you come over to my place for breakfast tomorrow?'

'Okay,' Mac said.

The next morning, Mac sat opposite Ellie at Jo's kitchen table. Ellie had been silent throughout breakfast, casting her mother quiet glares and Mac wary, slightly suspicious looks. Jo had made fresh coffee for Mac, and then left, claiming she had some grocery shopping to do.

'I'm not stupid, you know,' Ellie said after a short silence after the front door closed behind Jo.

'I know that,' Mac said.

'I know my Mom brought you over here to 'talk' to me. If you're going to lecture me about smoking or skipping class whatever, you can just forget it, okay? '

'I'm not stupid, either, Ellie,' Mac replied, making a point of making his tone as near-belligerent as hers. This seemed to take Ellie back a bit, and she stared at him.

'If you want to smoke or skip class or get into fights, that's your choice, and I'm not going to sit here and 'lecture' you about the consequences of doing those things because I think you're smart enough to work them out for yourself.'

'Then...what do you want to talk about?'

'I think I understand a little bit about what you're going through, Ellie.'

'Yeah, right.' Ellie said, rolling her eyes.

Mac sipped his coffee.

'You know I'm from Chicago, right?'

A little startled by either the apparent sudden change in subject, or by Mac's not rising to her deliberate attitude, Ellie said,

'Um, yeah.'

'And you know there are a lot of guys in Chicago with...interesting connections?'

'Yeah.'

'When I was fourteen, I had this friend called Jimmy. Jimmy had an older brother, Will, he was sixteen and he used to run messages and packages for a mob guy. He let Jimmy and I tag along occasionally, though we didn't really know what we were doing, and certainly not what we were carrying.. It was kind of fun at the time, you know? Made us feel grown-up, cool.'

Ellie's attitude of snarky indifference had vanished, and she now seemed intrigued.

'You really ran messages for a *mob* guy? Your parents didn't know, right?'

Mac chuckled.

'No, they certainly did not. They didn't know a lot of the stuff I got up to.'

He smiled at memory, and noticed Ellie grinning too.

'One night, though,' Mac said, 'It all went wrong. Will was beaten to death by the guy we took the package to. I had a chance to stop it, but I got scared. We took him to the hospital, but it was too late. We told everyone - the doctors, the police, our parents - that we got jumped, and we didn't see who beat up Will. I never spoke to my parents about it, ever. I couldn't bring myself to. It was too hard. The memory of seeing Will...all that blood...I was sure that talking to my parents about it would somehow make it even worse, and that I'd never be able to leave that day behind. I only ever told two people about what happened that night - my wife, and Don Flack. And I had to tell Flack because what happened that night came back to bite me in a case a couple of years ago.'

Ellie was gaping at him.

'You...you saw a murder? And you didn't tell your parents? Ever?'

Mac shook his head.

'No. I didn't know how to deal with it. Obviously, Jimmy and I no longer hung around together, and I couldn't talk to him about it, I mean, his brother died and I didn't stop it.'

'So what did you do?'

'What you're doing. I was pissed off and scared so I acted out. I skipped classes more, got into more fights, answered back more to teachers. I got caught playing chicken with the trains on the El tracks more than once.' Despite the pain that the memories of that long ago night brought, Mac found it had helped him, talking to Ellie, to someone who had actually been through something very similar.

'You played chicken with trains? That's pretty dumb,' Ellie said, 'but kinda cool.'

'Like getting into fights, or trying smoking for the first time?' Mac asked.

Ellie nodded.

'Yeah. Except smoking sucks. I just did it 'cause I wanted to push some limits, see what happened. Plus, those kids I was smoking with don't know me, they're in the grade above, so they don't think of me as 'that girl who saw the murder', or 'the new girl from Virginia'. That was nice, you know, just for once? And ever since I saw that person get killed, and I found out my real mom's a drug addict and a murderer, pushing limits has kind of felt good, you know?'

'Makes you feel like you're in control of at least *something*, right?' Mac said.

Ellie stared at him.

'Wow...yeah. I mean, totally. You're, like, the first person who's...*got* that, you know?'

Mac smiled gently.

'You know, if you explained it to your Mom like you just did to me, I think she would understand too, Ellie.'

Ellie sighed.

'You think? I just...I don't want to make her feel bad, like that she couldn't protect me from what happened on the subway, or because of who and where my biological mom is.'

'It's not you that would make her feel bad, Ellie, it's just the circumstances, and no one can change those. Sometimes horrible things happen in life and we can't change them. Like what happened with your biological mom, or with Will all those years ago, or what you witnessed that day on the subway.'

'I know,' Ellie said, 'I think that sucks, by the way. Life just sucks, sometimes.'

'It does,' Mac agreed, 'But it can suck worse if we try to deal with it alone. Believe me, Ellie, when I say that as difficult as it can be to talk about stuff like what happened, it helps more than you'd think to talk about it. You just have to find the right person to talk to. Like your mom. Looking back, I wish I'd talked to my parents about what really happened to Will that night, rather than trying to deal with it alone.'

Ellie looked at him in silence for a few moments, then said, softly,

'I think maybe I'll talk to my mom. It has been really crappy, trying to keep all this from her.'

'Good luck,' Mac said, 'Once you get started, you might just find it's not as impossible as you thought.'

Ellie nodded.

'Thanks, Detective Taylor. For being so honest, for telling me about what happened to you when you were a kid, and for not being, all like, judgmental and bossy.'

Mac smiled.

'You're welcome. And I think you can call me 'Mac' now, don't you?'

Ellie smiled.

'Okay, Mac,' she said, 'And by the way, you can tell my mom, when she asks you about what we talked about, that I will most definitely never ever ever smoke another cigarette as long as I live, because they're, like, totally *gross*, and also that the only reason I got in a fight with that boy is because he was a sexist jerk who was hitting on my best friend and wouldn't leave her alone. I wasn't *looking* to get in trouble, he deserved it!'

Mac chuckled.

'I got into quite a few fights for that very reason,' Mac said, 'My parents and teachers never seemed to take too kindly to the 'he deserved it' explanation,'

'Neither will my mom,' Ellie said, 'At least if she hears it from *me*. But if she were to hear it from her good friend who's the boss of the crime lab, she might be more...receptive.'

Mac grinned. He'd guessed even from his short initial meeting with Ellie when she came to the lab and from the stories Jo recounted that she was pretty smart. and talking with her today had proved it.

'Hi, guys, I'm back,' Jo said, coming into the kitchen with two grocery bags.

When she'd put them down, Ellie went to her and hugged her.

'I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time lately, Mom,' she said. Jo raised her eyebrows at Mac as she hugged Ellie back, then focused on her daughter.

'That's okay, Ellie, but I want you to explain yourself, properly, later, okay.'

'Yeah, okay. I need to talk to you anyway,' Ellie said.

'You do?'

'Yeah. Now, can you get off me, Mom?' Ellie said, wiggling in protest in her mother's still tight grip.

Jo chuckled.

'Okay,' she said, releasing Ellie.

'Can I please go the mall with my friends?' Ellie asked, 'it *is* Saturday, and I did all my homework last night.'

'Okay, Ellie. But I want you home by 6pm latest. You and I are going to have a nice dinner together and then that talk,'

'*Okay*, Mom,' said Ellie, with a little sigh, 'I promise, okay. Now, can I *go* please?'

'Go on then,' Jo said.

'Cool. Thanks, Mom. Bye, Mac.' Ellie said before hurrying from the room. Minutes later, the front door slammed.

Jo turned back to Mac.

'Mac Taylor, I have exactly two things to say to you,'

'Which are?'

'Number 1, you really would make a wonderful father,'

'Jo!' Mac protested, exasperated.

'and Number 2, I am taking you for a steak dinner next Friday night to say thank you for whatever it is you did to help Ellie.'

Mac smiled.

'Now *that* I can agree with,' he said.

The End.


End file.
